The Good Life

If my posts offend you... if you do not like what you read, PLEASE do not read my blog. I am not writing these posts to upset anyone or to make anyone uncomfortable. I love you all! I don't want you to hurt!  I know that some people who read this blog are TBM's (True Blue Mormons)... and so, when I tell you that my post is about how much I love my life as a post mormon- STOP READING!!!  Don't continue reading my blog and then post a rant on facebook about how much I love posting things on the internet about mormonism. I am NOT doing this to start a discussion, or an argument. I am not doing it to offend you. I am doing this because it is MY BLOG and I print this blog out every year for my family to keep instead of a scrapbook. So- I love you all, but please PLEASE, PLEASE don't read my blog if you are going to be offended or judge me!!

So.... Since we have left mormonism, I feel like my eyes have been opened. Literally. I keep having to ask myself how I didn't recognize how little I knew when I was in "the church". I have a hard time believing that people still go to that church, knowing all we know now. It's been such an eye opener. It's been a GOOD eye opener. Not only have my eyes been opened, my heart has too. When I was going to the church, I was spiritually stunted. There were a TON or rules and things to try to keep me IN the church.... and now that I am no longer IN, I finally know what it is like to feel truly connected to God. If anyone had told me this while I was a TBM, I would have laughed and thought that they were being tricked by Satan.  But now I know. It's been amazing. It has been spiritual.  I wish that I could help all of my TBM friends and family to see the wonderful light that I see. But I won't ever  say anything to them... because I know that they will never believe me. They will ignore all common sense because of a "warm feeling" that they get when they pray or go to the temple or watch a Hallmark Commercial or hear a touching song. So, for me, life is good. I am blessed. I am loved by God and I love him. I love my beautiful family and know that god has been involved in our lives and still is. 

Sundays are the best day of the week

Last Sunday we went to Yosemite and hiked. It was a great day.

The kids love nature.

Family time.

I've been really shy about posting things on this blog that are about the positive things that leaving mormonism has brought to our family. I don't want to offend my family- but I do want to document our journey... so, if you get offended easily then skip this post, please.... 

  Sundays are literally the best day of the week now that we spend it as a family and not at church!!  We love Sundays!  Here is a rundown of what our Sundays USED to look like.  1. Travis wake up at 5AM. Go to Fresno to attend disciplinary councils and other stake meetings. Then travel to various wards to speak, sit in meetings and set people apart. 2. MEANWHILE....  Jennifer wakes up at 6am with the babies (YIKES). I then get everyone up. Feed breakfast. Prepare for callings. Bathe kids. Dress kids. Pack diaper bags (yes, multiple bags!). Read scriptures with kids. Say prayers (personal and family). Find everyones shoes. Change diapers. Deal with melt downs and tantrums. Get everyone loaded into the car. Have everyone engage Annie the whole way to church so that she won't fall asleep while Max is SCREAMING at the top of his lungs that he wants to watch a movie, which I won't let him watch because we are listening to church music to get everyone in the right frame of mind for church. After enduring 20 minutes of screaming from Max and Annie, we arrive at church where Max continues to cry and scream that he does not want to go to church. We sit in the farthest row back that we can so that when I have to stand up and walk out about 20 times during sacrament meeting I won't be bothering anyone... then we sit down where all the kids take turns telling me they need to go to the bathroom, or get a drink- and I make them go out in pairs because of the SEX OFFENDERS (yes MULTIPLE)  that we allow to come into the church and sit (unattended) and in the hall ways during church (which causes all sorts of anxiety... if they're gonna be at church, have them sit on the stand with the bishop so he can keep his eyes on them and he can be uncomfortable instead of endangering all of the kids in the church)!!  Then Max starts screaming all over again- I pull out the BAG of toys and snacks and coloring and try desperately to keep the 2 little ones QUIETLY entertained during sacrament meeting... during which time I do not hear a single word that the speakers are saying and I'm enduring rude stares from other families (that have 2 parents there to help each other out) for not being able to keep my children quiet. Then, when the blessed last prayer is finally said and I can finally clean up our gigantic mess that we have made and run as fast as possible to drop kids off in classes and nursery or (if they're too young for nursey- which at least one of mine were for my entire marriage) find a willing adult (yikes, not so easy) to dump the littlest one off with. Then run (usually late) to my calling as primary chorister, where I get a disapproving look and a "I'm so glad you're here... I wasn't sure if I was going to have to fill in for you" in a sarcastic tone! I then proceed to work my butt off for the next two hours,  being interrupted a (usually) multiple to change diapers, calm babies or help my kids in other ways. Then, after working my butt off and sweating like a pig, I run to go and collect all 6 of my kids- not an easy task (like herding cats.. and YES! multiple ward members actually made that exact comment to me as I'm trying to collect them all... but not ONE stopped to HELP me) !!  I find one kid,  then one disappears while I'm looking for another... I'm running all over the church USUALLY holding 2 tired and fussy babies and all my bags and calling stuff. I put the kids in the car as fast as I can (usually a 20-30 minute process) and drive home... again, trying to keep Annie awake while Max screams. By the time I get home I quickly get kids lunch, change out of church clothes, put the babies to bed and then send my kids downstairs to WATCH A MOVIE while I take a much needed nap.  3. Wake up from nap. Now more than half the day is gone and it is almost dinner time. I wake up the babies (who are never happy about only getting an hour or two of sleep when they are used to 3 hours!) and we start trying to prepare dinner, I have kids take turns helping with babies while I prepare dinner. Dad usually walks in in time for dinner, then we get kids in PJ's and have FHE and then we start putting kids to bed!   WHEW! That was exhausting just REMEMBERING our crazy days!!!  And that was a very typical Sunday. Too typical. Did you notice that there is not much in there that involved Christ? That our family was not spending the day together? That there was a lot of family time missing? I don't think that is how Jesus wants us to spend our sabbath days.  Fast forward to us leaving the church....  Here is a typical Sunday- Travis and I wake up when the babies do. They come and cuddle us in bed (a great way to start the day). We slowly get out of bed and make it to the kitchen to cook breakfast as a family. We decide how we want to spend our free day as a family (our family decided that every Sunday is family day and we always plan a family outing). We pray and say what we are thankful for in our lives. We spend time together, bonding, playing and loving each other and nature. We have a lesson in our "home church" and talk about Jesus and what He would have us be doing in our lives. We talk about loving and serving those around us. This is how I believe God wants us to behave on Sundays. I love our sabbath days. 

This....

This man. This love. This marriage. This life. This family. This happiness.... This is more than I ever dreamed of. This is the stuff fairy tales are made of. This is my Happily Ever After.

This week my sweet (and hot) husband and I will have been married for 15 years!  How come it feels like I have known him forever? How come he knows me better than I know myself? How come I feel spoiled and adored every day? It's because he is more than my other half, he is more than my better half. He is more than the best father in the world. It's because he is my soul mate. He is a part of me. I am thankful for him. I fall more and more in love every day. He is my everything. Happy Anniversary, Bear. I love you far more than to the moon and back.... I love you to infinity and beyond. 

Our Journey from Mormonism

This post is a really difficult one for me to write. Not because I don't want to, but because I know that if my family reads this, they will be hurt. I don't want them to hurt. I know how hard this will be for the people who love us to read this. But it is such a major part of our lives, such a major CHANGE, that this needs to be documented. I am not good with words. I say offensive things. I am blunt. I don't mean to offend or hurt anyone, so I apologize in advance.

For the past few years I have really been having a hard time "knowing" the church was true. I had a lot of doubts. I mean,  A LOT of doubts. I had questions about Joseph Smith. I had many questions about the priesthood. I had a lot of questions about the plan of salvation. I had many doubts and questions. What did I do about these questions?  I did not EVER express my doubts aloud, as I believed if I ever voiced them aloud Satan would hear me and then try to sway me from the truth. So, I remained silent. I prayed several times daily, I read my scriptures. I prayed with my children. I prayed with my husband. I prayed with my family. I prayed a lot. I did Family Home evening every week. I did lessons on General Conference talks. I read the scriptures with my family every day. I went to church. My husband was on the high council and gone from home nearly every Sunday. But, I took all six of my kids to church every week. I asked them about their classes and talked over our meals about the things they were learning in church. I discussed the gospel with them in the car. I talked about Jesus all the time. Travis and I and our children payed our tithing. We went to the temple. We lived the word of wisdom and supported our leaders. We were good Latter Day Saints.

 I remember when the church told us to vote against Prop 8. I was HURT! So hurt. I vocalized support for our churches stance, but inside I was torn. Wasn't this supposed to be a personal decision on how I vote? I thought the church was supposed to let us decide how we vote. But not in this matter. I support Gays. I feel like they have every right to be in a happy committed marriage. But the church didn't. That was the first time that I remember thinking (and voicing only to my husband) that I was uncomfortable with the church telling us how to vote. I understand that the church doesn't support gay marriage, and they are entitled to their opinion, but aren't I entitled to mine?  But, being the good mormon that I was, I prayed to help me understand the brethren and I voted how they wanted me to... good little mormon girl. 

So, other than that ONE instance, I agreed with everything the church taught. I more than agreed with it, I LOVED it!!  It brought such comfort to me. I loved the guidelines. I loved the culture. I loved the word of wisdom and the blessings of tithing. I loved the temple. I loved the church. I never had a desire to leave the church. Never. But, I did want to KNOW that it was true. It was becoming such a strong need that I started praying (in my head so Satan wouldn't hear me) to God all the time- in my car, while I was cooking or cleaning or showering or doing anything- praying to please help me to know the church was true. I never felt anything. I didn't understand. My heart was open. I was living my life in accordance with the gospel. I was trying to please god. Ultimately I believed that it was probably true- but I really wanted to know. The longing became so strong that I couldn't ignore it any more. One afternoon I put the babies to bed and I went into the laundry room. There I poured out my heart to God. I really gave him everything I had. I prayed aloud for a very long time. I prayed, asking God to please help me find a way to know if our church was the only true church. After the prayer I felt like I had done all I could and the rest was up to God. He knew I would stay in the church until I knew it wasn't true- so, I continued pressing forward in life (never telling anyone, not even my husband all my concerns). 

A few days later, my husband got a phone call.  He was on the phone all night long. Then he was on the computer through the early hours of the morning, researching. I had no idea what was going on, but it sounded pretty intense, so I let him do what he needed to do. I would later find out that he had been on the phone trying to help a family member resolve THEIR doubts!  The next morning after the kids went to school, I was in the laundry room (ironic?) when my husband came in to talk to me. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "what if the Book of Mormon isn't true?".   I felt such instant peace and a love so strong that my immediate response really surprised my husband- I said "I've been wondering the same thing. Let's find out together".  From that point on my husband and I started our journey together. I honestly kept thinking that at any point I would find out that the church was really true, but the more research that I did just confirmed our fears that the church was not true. I will tell you that my husband and I were so scared as we were researching. Scared to find out the church wasn't true. Anyone who thinks that leaving the church is the easy way out has never done it. It has been HARD. So hard. I have lost friends over this. Thankfully my family has been loving. As we prayed about the church we both strongly felt that the church was not the true church. And we felt peace. And love. And felt that our prayers had been answered. 

The decision to leave the church was very difficult. There were so many tears and nights spent talking until the morning about how we go about leaving. Even when Travis and I both knew it wasn't true we discussed if we should continue to go for our kids. In the end, we knew we couldn't lie to our kids. We couldn't go and pretend. And now that we are no longer going to church we feel so free. Our family feels so strong. We are loving each other. I don't know how to explain how good we are, but we are doing well. It feels like we have been given a present, the present of living for now and not trying to dictate so we can make it to the celestial kingdom  We are learning a lot right now and enjoying our family. We are really focusing on loving what is. Not labeling. It has been an amazing experience. I am thankful for my time in the church, it brought me to my husband- the love of my life and my best friend. But I am excited to raise my children in a different way to help them to love others not because Jesus is watching and to go to the celestial kingdom - but because it's humane and right. 

I love my family and believe that we will be together forever. 

Gloria is a teenager!!

Gloria and Grayson with Mom and Dad, in Ohio

Gloria 3 months old with mom and dad

Gloria 11 years old in Mexico

3 year old Gloria with mom at Disney Princesses on Ice

Gloria and her friend Sydney

Gloria with her name sake, Grandma Gloria

1st day of school, 2nd grade

Holding her kitty (Glo loves animals) on first day of school.

8th birthday party at Boomers.

Glo with cousin BayLee at our Coarsegold house.

Alcatraz with the family.

Gloria's baptism day.

Friday night at the lake, sponsored by Golden Hills Dental

Gloria With best friend, Samantha and little sister Cami.

Gloria and Taylor

Taylor, Samantha and Gloria

Gloria at the Peach Blossom Festival. 4th Grade.

Gloria with Anya

Gloria with Sydney (7th grade)

Gloria and Andie. 3rd grade Christmas concert.

Gloria and Max.

Gloria in a hat made by Grandma Murphy

Taylor, Gloria and BayLee

Baylee, Gloria and Taylor

Gloria and Lucy, on our move from Ohio to California (via Utah). We stopped in Yosemite.

First day of 1st grade.

Halloween, 1st grade.

Gloria and her best friend, Kaylee Potter. 2nd grade.

Gloria 7th birthday party.

Gloria and Annie. 2014

Utah temple 2014

Annie's blessing Day. 2014.

Gloria. 12 years old (september 2014)

Halloween 2014

Crazy hair. 1st grade.

Chillin in the car. 2014

Mexico. Summer 2014

Dance with friends. 2009

Gloria and Cami.

Friends from school. 2014.

November 2014.

This week Gloria became our first teenage child!!  She is 13 years old. Gloria has gone through a lot of firsts in our family, as she is our oldest child. What a blessing she has been for us. She is such a wonderful big sister. Really, we couldn't have been blessed with a better example for her younger siblings. She is a happy young lady and so kind to everyone around her. Gloria is beautiful inside and out. Here are 10 fun facts about our Glo.

1. She loves animals. A lot. She obsesses with their safety and well being constantly.

2. She is smart. She always has been. She doesn't realize what a blessing it is to be as smart as she is but I know that someday she will discover that it is a true talent and come to appreciate it.

3. She is a little momma. She is constantly helping me with all the kids and helping me out. She is amazing. And her siblings love her SOOOO much!

4. She likes to fit in, but she also likes to stand out. If she is confident in her ability to do something, she lets it shine. But, she is also comfortable taking a back seat when others do something better than her (not very often).

5. She is super creative. Not regular creative. SUPER creative. There are days when she will play with her younger siblings all day- making up games and stories and dances and plays and everyone is totally entertained all day long with her fun ideas. 

6. She loves to draw, and is good at it! I love it when she takes the time to draw a picture for me. She really does a beautiful job.

7. She has a beautiful voice. If you ever get the chance to listen to her sing, take it. It will be well worth your time.

8. She tends to be a perfectionist (not in cleaning her room) in her school work and and her art work and her singing and sports. She gets frustrated and wants to quit if everything is not perfect. 

9. She is a loyal sister and friend. If you are blessed to be part of her family or a friend, know that she will be loyal to you forever. She will always have your back.

10. She loves to dance and loves gymnastics. They are her passion and she would do both 24/7 if she was able to. I've been pushing her to pursue other interests (volleyball, piano) and she is doing well- but her true love is dancing and gymnastics. And she is good!

There is so much to say about my Gloria. I could fill up pages of her great qualities and with words about how much I love her (if I had the time, I would). I am thankful every day for this wonderful soul that is in my life. I thank God that I am blessed to be her mother. She is a blessing to me and to all who know her. She is growing into a wonderful young woman and I hope that her teens are as wonderful as she is. 

I love you, Gloria!  Happy Birthday!