This post is a really difficult one for me to write. Not because I don't want to, but because I know that if my family reads this, they will be hurt. I don't want them to hurt. I know how hard this will be for the people who love us to read this. But it is such a major part of our lives, such a major CHANGE, that this needs to be documented. I am not good with words. I say offensive things. I am blunt. I don't mean to offend or hurt anyone, so I apologize in advance.
For the past few years I have really been having a hard time "knowing" the church was true. I had a lot of doubts. I mean, A LOT of doubts. I had questions about Joseph Smith. I had many questions about the priesthood. I had a lot of questions about the plan of salvation. I had many doubts and questions. What did I do about these questions? I did not EVER express my doubts aloud, as I believed if I ever voiced them aloud Satan would hear me and then try to sway me from the truth. So, I remained silent. I prayed several times daily, I read my scriptures. I prayed with my children. I prayed with my husband. I prayed with my family. I prayed a lot. I did Family Home evening every week. I did lessons on General Conference talks. I read the scriptures with my family every day. I went to church. My husband was on the high council and gone from home nearly every Sunday. But, I took all six of my kids to church every week. I asked them about their classes and talked over our meals about the things they were learning in church. I discussed the gospel with them in the car. I talked about Jesus all the time. Travis and I and our children payed our tithing. We went to the temple. We lived the word of wisdom and supported our leaders. We were good Latter Day Saints.
I remember when the church told us to vote against Prop 8. I was HURT! So hurt. I vocalized support for our churches stance, but inside I was torn. Wasn't this supposed to be a personal decision on how I vote? I thought the church was supposed to let us decide how we vote. But not in this matter. I support Gays. I feel like they have every right to be in a happy committed marriage. But the church didn't. That was the first time that I remember thinking (and voicing only to my husband) that I was uncomfortable with the church telling us how to vote. I understand that the church doesn't support gay marriage, and they are entitled to their opinion, but aren't I entitled to mine? But, being the good mormon that I was, I prayed to help me understand the brethren and I voted how they wanted me to... good little mormon girl.
So, other than that ONE instance, I agreed with everything the church taught. I more than agreed with it, I LOVED it!! It brought such comfort to me. I loved the guidelines. I loved the culture. I loved the word of wisdom and the blessings of tithing. I loved the temple. I loved the church. I never had a desire to leave the church. Never. But, I did want to KNOW that it was true. It was becoming such a strong need that I started praying (in my head so Satan wouldn't hear me) to God all the time- in my car, while I was cooking or cleaning or showering or doing anything- praying to please help me to know the church was true. I never felt anything. I didn't understand. My heart was open. I was living my life in accordance with the gospel. I was trying to please god. Ultimately I believed that it was probably true- but I really wanted to know. The longing became so strong that I couldn't ignore it any more. One afternoon I put the babies to bed and I went into the laundry room. There I poured out my heart to God. I really gave him everything I had. I prayed aloud for a very long time. I prayed, asking God to please help me find a way to know if our church was the only true church. After the prayer I felt like I had done all I could and the rest was up to God. He knew I would stay in the church until I knew it wasn't true- so, I continued pressing forward in life (never telling anyone, not even my husband all my concerns).
A few days later, my husband got a phone call. He was on the phone all night long. Then he was on the computer through the early hours of the morning, researching. I had no idea what was going on, but it sounded pretty intense, so I let him do what he needed to do. I would later find out that he had been on the phone trying to help a family member resolve THEIR doubts! The next morning after the kids went to school, I was in the laundry room (ironic?) when my husband came in to talk to me. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "what if the Book of Mormon isn't true?". I felt such instant peace and a love so strong that my immediate response really surprised my husband- I said "I've been wondering the same thing. Let's find out together". From that point on my husband and I started our journey together. I honestly kept thinking that at any point I would find out that the church was really true, but the more research that I did just confirmed our fears that the church was not true. I will tell you that my husband and I were so scared as we were researching. Scared to find out the church wasn't true. Anyone who thinks that leaving the church is the easy way out has never done it. It has been HARD. So hard. I have lost friends over this. Thankfully my family has been loving. As we prayed about the church we both strongly felt that the church was not the true church. And we felt peace. And love. And felt that our prayers had been answered.
The decision to leave the church was very difficult. There were so many tears and nights spent talking until the morning about how we go about leaving. Even when Travis and I both knew it wasn't true we discussed if we should continue to go for our kids. In the end, we knew we couldn't lie to our kids. We couldn't go and pretend. And now that we are no longer going to church we feel so free. Our family feels so strong. We are loving each other. I don't know how to explain how good we are, but we are doing well. It feels like we have been given a present, the present of living for now and not trying to dictate so we can make it to the celestial kingdom We are learning a lot right now and enjoying our family. We are really focusing on loving what is. Not labeling. It has been an amazing experience. I am thankful for my time in the church, it brought me to my husband- the love of my life and my best friend. But I am excited to raise my children in a different way to help them to love others not because Jesus is watching and to go to the celestial kingdom - but because it's humane and right.
I love my family and believe that we will be together forever.
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